The Queenager

When I was younger I had this memory book. And in this memory book I talked about what I wanted for my life when I got older. I was going to be a lawyer, a corporate lawyer no less, I was, of course, going to be married to someone ridiculously accomplished, and I was going to be the mother of five children. I’ve always wanted a big family for as long as I can remember, because I come from a big family. So for me it was only natural that I would have this huge, chaotic family where our holidays were loud and birthday parties joyous and just a big loving fun mess. That was my dream. And now I’m realizing that I have to let go of that dream and it hurts like hell.

When I got married the second time, we both wanted to expand our family. We each had one kid and agreed that we would have one more. So it was always the plan to have more kids or a kid. I was open to having more than one if we could adopt. But unfortunately, he was opposed to having children via adoption and so we had to compromise on just having one because I figured that was all that I would be able to birth at this stage in my life. As luck would have it, after three tries that didn’t pan out. Which in hindsight, it’s probably a good thing since the marriage didn’t pan out either.

The thing about living here in Vancouver, especially as a single woman, is that you’re constantly reminded that you’re a single woman particularly if you live on the north shore. Nothing but families everywhere families babies families babies and this weekend I have been faced with the reality that I will no longer have that. And I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. How do you let go of something you wanted so badly? So, that is where I am and that is where I sit. I am mourning the loss of some thing I wanted and some thing I’m not going to have. I know people will say well it just won’t look the way you wanted it to look. But I wanted it to look like my dream and I wanted those things for myself. I wanted those things to be a part of MY life experience. It doesn’t soothe me to think about it looking differently. The reality is I am uncoupled and my dream of having a loving partner and parenting a big family together is fading. And it sucks.