My birthday was yesterday. I’m not sure how I feel about it. It’s my first birthday uncoupled in six years and I vacillate between a feeling of peace and intense self-pity. I just don’t know how to feel. I’m not sad about the end of the marriage. It was for the best. However, it’s the feeling of aloneness I’m having a difficult time processing. Oh and the unrequited love doesn’t help, but I’m not ready to get into all of that. I’m not in denial, but it’s just so incredibly confusing and unnerving that I don’t even know where to begin with dealing with those emotions. And honestly, I don’t even understand how I allowed it to happen. It has caught me completely off guard and I fear of coming emotionally undone if I begin to even think about it. So I’ve shoved those emotions deep down where unprocessed emotions go. It’s not really working, but I keep telling myself it is.
Anyhoo, back to the birthday. I hosted a Tacos and Tequila themed party at my place and it was a smash. We ate well, drank plenty, and played games. It really was a great time and I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to celebrate with new friends. I received lots of flowers and few gifts and really enjoyed the company of some amazing people. But, I can’t shake this feeling of aloneness. I shouldn’t be alone. The first few months it was necessary. I needed to process and heal, but I’m done with that now and my heart…it needs to love someone. I have all of these big feelings that have nowhere to go. I’ve spent so much of my life caring and nurturing that not doing those things feels unnatural to me. I don’t know what to do with all these emotions. I’ve been working out, but it’s not working. I guess I need to workout more. It’s not like it would hurt anything. In fact, it would probably help me meet my weight loss goals even faster. I need to do something to take my mind off of the isolation.
And it’s so friggin hard to date here. Men don’t seem to have any motivation to move beyond trading messages back and forth. That’s such a turn off for me. I’ve suggested meeting for coffee to at least four different men and nothing… It’s incredibly frustrating. I need to be dating constantly right now to take my mind off of this unrequited love debacle. *sigh* I still can’t believe I allowed myself to get here. I’m too old for this foolishness. I know better.
I’ve pulled tarot cards, analyzed my dreams and read the signs. Everything says that this is an amazing time in my life with so much abundance and that the desires of my heart are coming to fruition. So…where is he? *sigh*